The Best A Man Can Get
Yeah man, best man me man. Cool man or what man?
A few of you have been asking how Danny popped the question. Well, it goes a little something like this. Danny rang me up in the morning (my time) but I missed it because the vibrates gone on my phone. Anyway, when I got home from work I put it on high volume and he rang again and I knew it was about the wedding because only my mum ever rings me, especially twice in one day. And I was well nervous. And he goes, “I’ve got something to ask you.” And then he told me how nervous he was. And he pops the question (down on one knee like) and I start to cry and say ‘yes.’ And even though he’s on the phone 172 000 miles away, we make kissing noises and lick at the microphone bit of the handset. It was sooo romantic. And then the joy of being asked was replaced by sheer nerves and these have stuck with me ever since. Along with a fear of me making a hash of it and prooving not to be the best at all. Let alone best, what if I proove I'm not even a man?
And then I thought, “wait a minute. I am the best man. I'm the best goddam man on the planet. At everything. Infact, I really should grow a white beard and call myself God from now on.” And I was going to but I thought that would make me like every other man. And besides, I cant grow a beard.
I have already ordered books in at the library to find out exactly what is expected of a best man and how to write a good speech. It will be being worked upon from around Christmas time. Acting lessons will follow mid Feb, a 6 week course at drama school where I’ll finish with a Best Man Diploma followed by 3 practice weddings, 2 that I gate crash and then the big day itself. As Danny keeps reminding, I am more than just a speech. I am also a man who can’t grow a beard. I have already got one thing down to a fine art though; that bit where it comes to the point where I hand him the ring and I do that whole “woops, oh no, ive lost it” sketch. Whilst I am on th
e subject I would like to ask any of you who have any contributions you think would be helpful – be it annecdotes, allegorys, metaphors, comedy genius, stuff you have witnessed in other speeches – don’t hesitate to email me. All stories are welcome.
One thing is bothering me a bit already though. I haven't been to many weddings, as you can probably tell, but I know that it is tradition for the best man to get some jiggy. It goes hand in hand. Now usually this is with a bridesmaid but all are off limits barring Sarah which, depsite what everybody thinks at home, its’ a non entity. So basically, is there any decent young, free and single women going? Infact, forget the decent bit. And the free. Just young and single. Cancel the single. Just young women. I will settle for an older one if need be. So, just women then. Is there any women going? I think I will be alright. Women love weddings don’t they? They get into that whole weak, naïve, vulnerable state of “I need to feel loved” on the big day. Throw into this melting pot of sordidness the fact that it’s taking place in Cyprus which equals sun, which equals horniness. Mix it in with my 6 pack and a few other made up things and I should be wetting my nuts before you can say ‘I do.’ Do I accept the terms and conditions? I do.
I’m not fully sure why I’m writing this as it has little to do with my time in Australia. I’m just excited by it all I think and it's had a real impact on me. Again, congratulations guys. Everyone - group hug!
A few of you have been asking how Danny popped the question. Well, it goes a little something like this. Danny rang me up in the morning (my time) but I missed it because the vibrates gone on my phone. Anyway, when I got home from work I put it on high volume and he rang again and I knew it was about the wedding because only my mum ever rings me, especially twice in one day. And I was well nervous. And he goes, “I’ve got something to ask you.” And then he told me how nervous he was. And he pops the question (down on one knee like) and I start to cry and say ‘yes.’ And even though he’s on the phone 172 000 miles away, we make kissing noises and lick at the microphone bit of the handset. It was sooo romantic. And then the joy of being asked was replaced by sheer nerves and these have stuck with me ever since. Along with a fear of me making a hash of it and prooving not to be the best at all. Let alone best, what if I proove I'm not even a man?
And then I thought, “wait a minute. I am the best man. I'm the best goddam man on the planet. At everything. Infact, I really should grow a white beard and call myself God from now on.” And I was going to but I thought that would make me like every other man. And besides, I cant grow a beard.I have already ordered books in at the library to find out exactly what is expected of a best man and how to write a good speech. It will be being worked upon from around Christmas time. Acting lessons will follow mid Feb, a 6 week course at drama school where I’ll finish with a Best Man Diploma followed by 3 practice weddings, 2 that I gate crash and then the big day itself. As Danny keeps reminding, I am more than just a speech. I am also a man who can’t grow a beard. I have already got one thing down to a fine art though; that bit where it comes to the point where I hand him the ring and I do that whole “woops, oh no, ive lost it” sketch. Whilst I am on th
e subject I would like to ask any of you who have any contributions you think would be helpful – be it annecdotes, allegorys, metaphors, comedy genius, stuff you have witnessed in other speeches – don’t hesitate to email me. All stories are welcome.One thing is bothering me a bit already though. I haven't been to many weddings, as you can probably tell, but I know that it is tradition for the best man to get some jiggy. It goes hand in hand. Now usually this is with a bridesmaid but all are off limits barring Sarah which, depsite what everybody thinks at home, its’ a non entity. So basically, is there any decent young, free and single women going? Infact, forget the decent bit. And the free. Just young and single. Cancel the single. Just young women. I will settle for an older one if need be. So, just women then. Is there any women going? I think I will be alright. Women love weddings don’t they? They get into that whole weak, naïve, vulnerable state of “I need to feel loved” on the big day. Throw into this melting pot of sordidness the fact that it’s taking place in Cyprus which equals sun, which equals horniness. Mix it in with my 6 pack and a few other made up things and I should be wetting my nuts before you can say ‘I do.’ Do I accept the terms and conditions? I do.
I’m not fully sure why I’m writing this as it has little to do with my time in Australia. I’m just excited by it all I think and it's had a real impact on me. Again, congratulations guys. Everyone - group hug!
posted by Paul 'Jeb' Hoskin at 8:58 PM
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