Ashes To Ashes, Funk To Funky

It had been a big weekend. The start of it saw us go out to celebrate Stu's birthday (again). Friday night didn't finish until 9am Saturday morning so this meant the full day asleep. It was dark by the time I emerged from my bed again and a couple of drinks and a cinema trip to see the Borat movie ended a short day. Incidentally, the Borat film is absolutely class. Sunday saw me and Tom back on it early doors as we trundled off to watch the 4th day of the Ashes first test. I have learnt that you simply cannot get a decent, representative match report in Aussie media coverage, be it radio, newspapers or television. A typical days play summary on the news goes something like this: "The Aussies emerged from the dressing room with whiter whites and a cleaner set of teeth than the evil England bell ends. England smelt really bad (probably of poo and wee) and looked daft as they attempted a sport that no other team can play except for Australia. It was a proud day for the Aussies, and people cheered in a way reminiscent of when Australia single handedly won the world war (first and second). Despite incorrect media information, it was actually an Aussie who was first to land on the moon, an Aussie who said that E=MC2 (whatever that means) and an Aussie who got nailed to the cross. The Southern cross that is. Our only regret was inventing England who inturn invented Beelzebub and Hell. Incidently, a good days cricket for the Aussies. Not sure of the score but it just was ok?" It's like a country full of Utd fans. Nightmare. So, we went off to watch the game for ourselves. Unfotunately the news report wasn't far wrong. Commentary now coming from Richie Benaud down at the Gabba...

It appears that England have yet again fallen victim to the cruel rules and regulations brought about by test crickets' governing bodies. I don't think I am the only one to notice that our selectors were only allowed to choose team players that are from England. This leaves us with a severe disadvantage before the game has even begun. Australia, on the other hand, were given free reign to choose a good number of Australian players. Not just batters and fielders but bowlers aswell. No wonder the Enlgand team seems to play with the pychological scarring of Norman Bates after his mum's just popped round for tea. Something really should be done about this injustice. By the way, the reason I have a blockhead in this photo is because I'd just taken my hat off.

Yes, it has started badly, as we all suspected it would. But still we go to watch in the hope that maybe, just maybe we will be behind the winning team. After several beers and ever increasing sunburn, me and Bri decided there was only one team that would shine victorious and that we could be a part off...the Barmy Army.

If English lads are the best in the world at anything, it's coming up with abusive chants and singing them to tunes of well known songs. I think we have our footballing history and a genius sense of humour to thank for that. And this is how we drank away our afternoon. Here's a brief selection of some of the more printable ones:

"F*ck all, your money's worth f*ck all..." (A comment on the weak Aussie exchange rate)
"Get your shit stars, get your shit stars, get your shit stars off our flag..."
"You're so poor it's unbelievable..."
"Third world country, you're just a third world country..."
"God save your gracious Queen, long live your noble Queen...long to reign over you, God save your Queen."

"If it wasn't for our grandads you'd be chavs..."
"You're Poms and you know you are, you're poms and you know you are..."
"Part of the Empire, you're just a part of the Empire..."
"You all live in a convict coloney, a convict coloney, a convict coloney..."
(My personal fave) "I shagged Matilda, I shagged Matilda, I shagged Matilda and so did my mates. And she moaned and she groaned and she took it up her...."


When the Aussies finally did some singing of their own, the best they could come up with was "we gave you Peter Andre, oh we gave you Peter Andre..." Which, if they would only listen to his quality back catalogue they would realise it's not even an insult. Haha, the jokes on them! Seriously though, you would have thought we were the home crowd and it was being played in England. It was brilliant and I had a great time. If only we were good at the sports that we cheer the best for!

I can hand on heart say that since England won the Ashes I have not met an Aussie who claims to like cricket. My 'what about the cricket?' questions have always been met with 'it's not really my scene mate.' Until now that is. The Aussies got a few runs on the board and they all came out of the woodwork. Which leads me to my final chant - "Where were you, where were you, where were you when you were shit?"